Demystifying the coded language of online dating.

yesterday, i gave you the first half of my definitive, and by definitive i mean not, but that word “definitive” makes you more likely to click on this post, guide to gay internet dating profiles. i take you to the meaning behind the surface text.

here’s a few lines that can show up anywhere.

“looking for drama free relationship.” translation: “i dated this guy for two weeks and after i dumped him he poured cat pee on my bed, made a fake craigslist ad about me using my photos, and told everyone that he actually was the one who dumped me because i have a freak case of incurable gonorrhea. if your flaws require you to date someone who’s a terrible judge of character, e-mail me now!”

“not really a scene guy, just want someone who can enjoy a nice dinner in, or cuddling, or watching a movie.” translation: “i have never actually had this and thus have not discovered how painfully boring it is. you could say i don’t really believe the stove is hot until i burn myself. until then, let’s go on a litany of vaguely commercialized straight-people dates, like taking a cooking class together, or making pottery at Good Dirt, or going running, until we dream of murdering the other in their sleep.”

here’s a few shorter ones:

top = versatile

versatile = bottom

bottom = power bottom

power bottom = DP bottom

dp = double penetration

chris said i shouldn’t end the blog entry there, so i corralled a few more internet personal chestnuts. how could i have left out some of these?

“i’m tired of the standard gay guys that are only into sex. i’m looking for someone able to have a relationship first.” translation: “when i have sex on the first date, it’s because we have a lot in common and i really like the guy. when someone else does it, it’s because they’re a whore.”

“looking for clean, normal guys.” translation: “no drugs. absolutely no drugs. no E, no special K, no white powder, no meth. it is still perfectly acceptable to do adderall, darvocet, percocet, or anything in a translucent orange bottle obtained from family and friends, because that’s like totally different. so long as it’s nothing associated with a stereotype. i’m trying to avoid that, remember?”

“i’m a Christian looking for another normal guy with faith in the Lord.” translation: “i have irrational beliefs because the people around me told me to. my willingness to adopt values with no objective evidence besides everyone else’s unquestioning belief probably explains my willingness to base my romantic desires around bad movies and Abercrombie bags.”

“VGL professional. masc top. hung. looking for cool guys for fun or relationship.” translation: “despite having all of the characteristics 60% of the gay online dating population would gouge out their own eyes for, i remain permanently single. mom tells me it’s because i just haven’t found a guy good enough for me yet, and she should know, because she’s always there when i meet up with a dude for the first time. they don’t call back cause they know i’m too good for them.”

“top here. no fats, no femmes.” translation: “my therapist tells me that in this emotional state, not getting any messages, pokes, or winks from any men i find attractive AND getting messages, pokes, and winks from men i find unattractive would be a hit to my self-esteem that i just can’t afford right now.  my face might look like it had a run in with anteater DNA and a garbage compactor, but goddamnit, i can have some standards, right?  i’m really hurting right now.  somebody please call.”

“str8 guy looking to experiment.” translation: “the results from my experiments with eighteen guys in panama city that left semen in 16 different pools and hotel rooms have still proven inconclusive. thus, more research is required. and you should be a top. duh.”

“fratty white vgl bottom wants ur cock 4 NSA fun.” translation: “i wait tables at last resort.” (Editor: You don’t wait tables at last resort!) (me: i bet i could if i wanted to! i’m attractive enough.) (Editor: At your mid-twenties? Good luck grandpa!) (me: and since when am i fratty?)

after all this, you might be feeling a bit cynical.  why bother with internet dating at all?  because it takes an hour to drive to Atlanta is why.  and you might not find decent parking.  and the Athens drag queens are better.  Atlanta drag queens use surgery to do what Lacy accomplishes with duct tape.

NEXT TIME: what to do once you’re fed up with internet dating and go to Atlanta. and by Atlanta, i mean Blake’s.