hi incoming gay freshmen!

i don’t know how you found this blog.  probably from incessant googling to find out what the hell’s queer in Athens, because you’re out of high school, and now that you’re going to college, you can finally find love!  or sex!  depending!  probably love!  how do you do that?  how do you find someone like you?  i don’t know.  but i can tell a few ways for how to not fuck it up.

no, i can’t tell you which of your orientation leaders are gay. (there’s always one!)  but i can tell you that the days of fantasizing about your high school wrestling team are over.  in college, you can date them.

NOTE #1: do not set your sights on just one person.  i can tell you, with 90% accuracy, that the person you are attracted to is a toolbag and not right for you at all.

but the fun thing about odds is that once you know them, you can play them.  with 1 in 10 odds, chat up 10 people.  (if you assumed that talking to 10 people, with 1 in 10 odds, gives you a 100% chance of success, then you are retarded.  it’s a 65.13% chance.  but since you’re retarded, and retards are more common, *your* chances are actually much better than that.)

NOTE #2: the age at which other people will willingly have sex with you at this point is a parabolic function, bottoming out at four years ahead of you.  this is why none of the college seniors will fuck you, but the thirty-five year old guys will.  i don’t understand why it works that way, but assume that i’ll discover it in a few years.

NOTE #3: do not make any verbal arrangements regarding your romantic status with anyone.  i know how freshmen are.  you are chomping at the bit to call someone your “boyfriend.”  titles are meaningless.  if you ask someone to “go” with you, or be your boyfriend, or whatever, you will look like a retard.  titles are purely for the benefit of explaining your relationship to other people, not for hammering out the degree of your emotional attachment.

NOTE #4: when at a bar, do not stare at someone in the bar while your friends egg you on to talk to the hot guy.  they can see you.  you look retarded.

NOTE #5: play games when dating.  games work.  telling someone outright that you find them attractive and that you would like to date them is an epic fail.  you won’t understand this until someone does it to you and then you’ll finally see how retarded it looks.

NOTE #6: do not use the word “retarded” to mean “dumb” because it can offend people who have mentally handicapped siblings.  you can only get away with it if you are blogging behind a pseudonym.

NOTE #7: most guys won’t be interested in you.  but if it’s closer to the vast majority of guys, and they don’t even talk to you for more than five minutes, it’s because you look like a mess.  dress like the people you’re attracted to and go to the gym.  we’re still operating with a ten-thousand year old mate-assessment mechanism that privileges guys who look like they can wrestle cougars.  take advantage of it.

you might also have bad hair.  i’m surprised by the number of people around here with bad hair.

NOTE #8: a six pack only gets someone’s attention for five minutes. after that, your brain has to finish the job.  if guys are talking to you, but then ditching you between 0 and 2 dates, it’s because you’re boring or pushy or act like a toolbag.  go read Robert Green’s The Art of Seduction or some books on neurolinguistic programming.  if you’re still fucking it up at that point, then you need to not be boring.

NOTE #9: you should be meeting their friends after a few dates.  if you’re not, then the ten bazillion relationship authors should have communicated to you by now that you’re the other man.

NOTE #10: don’t lie.  there are only two situations in life where lying is acceptable.  the first is when someone who looks like a hot mess asks you out and you tell them that you’re already involved with someone else rather than telling them they look like a hot mess.  the other is when your friend buys a dress and asks how it looks and she has no other dress to wear to this function and it’s too late to take the dress back and exchange it for another one and she can’t borrow a dress from any of her housemates. in which case, you tell her the dress looks great.

if you bullshit someone you just met to get them to talk to you, come clean after a few minutes. most people aren’t able to detect lies, but they can detect the absence of truth that makes conversations sugary and dull, like pepsi.  truth is like coke.  it’s not as sweet at first, but you appreciate it until the end of the glass, rather than wanting to vomit.

NOTE #11: if you want to meet local guys, make friends who throw parties.  they’re on facebook.  get on it!

NOTE #12: be new.  all of your conversations must be new.  new subjects.  new things.  if you try to steer the conversation, then you’re not having one.

NOTE #13: if you want to meet someone and can’t figure out how to introduce yourself, then smile at them.  that’s all you gotta do.  if they’re gay and interested, they’ll talk to you.  cake.  most of the guys you smile at won’t be interested.  again, numbers.  smile at a lot of them.  people who get laid often and easily just smile all the damn time at everybody.

NOTE #14: the only guys who will initiate a conversation after you smile at them, and who aren’t queer and interested, are… evangelical Christians.  these are the only men in America with a strong enough Mr. McGoo type personality to think that a big smile is an invitation to talk about their personal lord and savior Jesus Christ rather than an invitation to stick their penis deep into your asshole.  be prepared with a line to politely excuse yourself, like, “i’m jewish,” or, “i thought you wanted to stick your penis deep into my asshole.”

NOTE #15: the fact that you’re in a new area makes it fairly likely that at first you’ll meet a bunch of crazies.  crazy people are anxious to meet people who haven’t yet become aware of their craziness.  crazy people like to be newly discovered as crazy as many times as possible in their lifetimes.

NOTE #16: it’s a hard road at eighteen.  most gay/bi/queer guys haven’t yet gotten a hold on the whole “i like dudes” thing at that point.  this becomes less and less of a problem as you get older, so don’t worry that you’re doomed to be sexless. this isn’t entirely from a heteronormative upbringing—most straight women don’t regularly have orgasms during sex, and i doubt most straight guys’ orgasms are all that great either.  as a queer person, you’ve been given a leg up in the world by being forced to create your orgasm for yourself.

NOTE #17: nobody dates anymore.  people just hang out until they start having sex, at which point, they’re in a temporary open relationship.  after you’ve had sex a few times, you talk about whether or not you want them going around having sex with anyone else.  it’s arbitrary, but has no more value than 3-5 dinner dates method, and definitely costs a lot less money.  people fresh on the scene will cling to a weird hybrid of film, tv show, and religious expectations involving dinner with button up shirts.  but you are in college. this may be the last time in your life when your first date can be kicking someone’s ass in Gears of War and then making out with them on a dorm futon.  save 3-5 dinners and a movie for later, if ever.

NOTE #18:  if you’re a virgin, when’s the right time to have sex?  i wouldn’t wait until you’ve found someone you think you might marry, or even someone you’re in love with.  just wait until you find someone who makes your dick hard or cunt wet who isn’t a toolbag and who is nice and who won’t hurt your feelings.  and then figure out as much as you can about how sex works, with that person.  having multiple brief sexual encounters will not teach you anything about sex.  having someone you trust enough to tell you what feels good, and vice versa, over several months, will teach you more than 500 one night encounters.

NOTE #19: sex is not like porn.  i haven’t had sex with a tremendous number of guys, although within that slate i had a tremendous amount of sex, and pretty much never did any of the remotely good stuff look like a porn.  and i have a lot of porn.  a lot.  if anything looks like any gay porn that existed ever, i would know.  you should not, not, not, not do or say or act like or move like anyone in the porn you’ve watched.  half of the positions they do aren’t even that comfortable and are just for the camera.  just do what feels good.

NOTE #20: be slutty with your labeling.  you can be queer, AND gay, AND trans, AND bi, AND lesbian, all at the same or different or slightly overlapping times!  claim as many as you want, and don’t feel awkward about adding to the list as time goes on.